I Thought I Would Love It Here

Dear Friends, Family, and anyone else who follows this blog:

     I apologize for not keeping this blog updated or writing anything for the past few months.  I have been having an extremely difficult time living in Tanzania and am constantly questioning my purpose for being here.  In all honesty, this experience is not what I had hoped for.  I had delusions of returning to the “motherland” and being accepted by Tanzanians due to my African American heritage.  This is so far from my experience that I am amused by how naïve I was.   I have found myself in a unique position that sets me apart from many other Peace Corps volunteers.  Many Tanzanians think that I am white but I am not quite white enough to be treated with the same respect as other volunteers. 

      I am not sure why my appearance is seen as more desirable in this country but I think it has to do with it seeming more attainable to Tanzanians (if they get enough skin bleaching cream and a good weave then Tanzanian women can look like me).  Whatever the reason, it has led to constant harassment from men in town.  I have been grabbed, pushed, and threatened to be beaten for not responding to their advances. Women in this country are not respected and I am clearly no exception.  For a while I questioned why it was so difficult for me to make friends with Tanzanian women my age, finally a friend explained that some of the women were afraid that I would steal their men.  As a result, I have often found myself feeling very lonely in this country.  There is also a high rate of teacher turnover at my school, and every time I make a friend they leave a couple months later.   Currently I am the only full time female teacher at my school and although I do not have problems with other teachers, I am not invited into their “boys club.” Men and women do not usually socialize together in this country and I find that my gender, poor Kiswahili, and work ethic (I mark assignments, teach, and prepare for lessons during the school day while other teachers socialize) makes me a perpetual outsider.  Fortunately, I do not mind spending time alone and have learned to enjoy solitude.  In summary, I have a much better relationship with students than teachers. 

                The other reason I have not written for a while is because Peace Corps censors our blogs and we are not allowed to say anything negative about the government and are discouraged from ranting about the people or culture.  Unfortunately, as time passes it becomes difficult for me to find things I like about Tanzania apart from the natural beauty (mountains, lakes, animals, etc.)  Things that I thought I would get used to bother me more.  I can’t seem to compromise on my desire to be treated with respect even though I am a woman.  Nor have I grown accustomed to invasions of privacy and complete disregard for my personal space. By American cultural values, Tanzanians are extremely rude.  I am frustrated by the government corruption and police officers who demand bribes.  I miss the concept of customer service and the annoyance many Tanzanians have when you ask them to do their jobs.  I am tired of people trying to charge me double the price of things and having to haggle my way down to the actual price.  I hate being lied to and being told things that people think I want to hear (for example being told to wait for food I ordered when they don’t actually have it in the restaurant).   I hate it when people “help” you by grabbing your bags without your permission then demanding you give them money. I miss safety regulations regarding transportation.  And I still have not grown accustomed to how belligerent the culture seems.  Tanzanians praise themselves on being a peaceful nation because there is not civil war, but people yell and each other and fight over the smallest things.  For example, the other day I was on the bus and there was a ten minute argument (screaming match) between a woman on the bus and the conductor because he thought her bag of beans belonged to another person who was getting off the bus at an earlier stop.  He started to take the bag of beans off the bus to give to the other person, but when the women told him they were her beans he put them back.  I still don’t why there had to be a ten minute argument about this.  Recently I have come to the conclusion that the culture of Tanzania is not a good fit for me. 

    In addition to frustrations with the culture, I have had a lot of work related stress.  I feel like a burnt out public school teacher at times.  In addition to a lack of resources (there are no books and the chalkboard is the main teaching tool I have) I am working in a system that is designed for students to fail.  I do not want to insult the Ministry of Education, but there is a huge disconnect between the people who write the syllabus and those that write the mandatory national exams.  The exams do not reflect what is on the syllabus so if they only teach the syllabus then students will fail.  If they teach to the test and don’t follow the syllabus then teachers will get in trouble with school inspectors who want to see lesson plans and schemes of work that match the syllabus.  The exams are in English (with countless grammatical errors) while most teachers use Kiswahili as the mode of instruction. There is a huge shortage of teachers in this country and I have found that most teachers are neither fluent in English nor proficient in the subjects they teach.  So I wonder if students really have a chance at being successful.  I thought when I came here that maybe I could have a positive impact on the teachers, but they do not stay at the school long enough for me to have any real influence. 

    I have been questioning my role here and the purpose of the Peace Corps in general.  In my experience, Tanzanians seem complacent and content with the way things are now.  I can’t make people change if they don’t want to.  Many teachers don’t want to be teachers so it’s hard to convince them to spend more time teaching/ preparing for class and less time socializing.  And in spite of the fact that the national government decided to make the national exams in English I can’t seem to make teachers understand the importance of using English in the classroom.  They are far more concerned with my Kiswahili than their English.  In summary, I am not happy with my service and living in Tanzania. I spend my time bouncing between indifference and misery.  After a year in country, my idealism has been replaced by reality.  Now I am just hoping to have an impact on the lives of some of my students and that has been the main thing keeping me here.  July 16^th 2013 is the earliest date I can officially leave this place. The countdown has officially begun…