Dear Friends, Family, and anyone
else who follows this blog:
I apologize for not keeping this blog
updated or writing anything for the past few months. I have been having an extremely difficult
time living in Tanzania and am constantly questioning my purpose for being
here. In all honesty, this experience is
not what I had hoped for. I had
delusions of returning to the “motherland” and being accepted by Tanzanians due
to my African American heritage. This is
so far from my experience that I am amused by how naïve I was. I have found myself in a unique position
that sets me apart from many other Peace Corps volunteers. Many Tanzanians think that I am white but I
am not quite white enough to be treated with the same respect as other
volunteers.
I am not sure why my appearance is seen
as more desirable in this country but I think it has to do with it seeming more
attainable to Tanzanians (if they get enough skin bleaching cream and a good
weave then Tanzanian women can look like me).
Whatever the reason, it has led to constant harassment from men in
town. I have been grabbed, pushed, and threatened
to be beaten for not responding to their advances. Women in this country are
not respected and I am clearly no exception.
For a while I questioned why it was so difficult for me to make friends
with Tanzanian women my age, finally a friend explained that some of the women
were afraid that I would steal their men.
As a result, I have often found myself feeling very lonely in this
country. There is also a high rate of
teacher turnover at my school, and every time I make a friend they leave a
couple months later. Currently I am the
only full time female teacher at my school and although I do not have problems
with other teachers, I am not invited into their “boys club.” Men and women do
not usually socialize together in this country and I find that my gender, poor Kiswahili,
and work ethic (I mark assignments, teach, and prepare for lessons during the
school day while other teachers socialize) makes me a perpetual outsider. Fortunately, I do not mind spending time
alone and have learned to enjoy solitude.
In summary, I have a much better relationship with students than
teachers.
The
other reason I have not written for a while is because Peace Corps censors our
blogs and we are not allowed to say anything negative about the government and
are discouraged from ranting about the people or culture. Unfortunately, as time passes it becomes
difficult for me to find things I like about Tanzania apart from the natural
beauty (mountains, lakes, animals, etc.)
Things that I thought I would get used to bother me more. I can’t seem to compromise on my desire to be
treated with respect even though I am a woman.
Nor have I grown accustomed to invasions of privacy and complete
disregard for my personal space. By American cultural values, Tanzanians are extremely
rude. I am frustrated by the government
corruption and police officers who demand bribes. I miss the concept of customer service and the
annoyance many Tanzanians have when you ask them to do their jobs. I am tired of people trying to charge me
double the price of things and having to haggle my way down to the actual
price. I hate being lied to and being
told things that people think I want to hear (for example being told to wait
for food I ordered when they don’t actually have it in the restaurant). I hate it when people “help” you by grabbing
your bags without your permission then demanding you give them money. I miss
safety regulations regarding transportation. And I still have not grown accustomed to how belligerent
the culture seems. Tanzanians praise
themselves on being a peaceful nation because there is not civil war, but
people yell and each other and fight over the smallest things. For example, the other day I was on the bus
and there was a ten minute argument (screaming match) between a woman on the
bus and the conductor because he thought her bag of beans belonged to another
person who was getting off the bus at an earlier stop. He started to take the bag of beans off the
bus to give to the other person, but when the women told him they were her
beans he put them back. I still don’t
why there had to be a ten minute argument about this. Recently I have come to the conclusion that
the culture of Tanzania is not a good fit for me.
In addition to frustrations
with the culture, I have had a lot of work related stress. I feel like a burnt out public school teacher
at times. In addition to a lack of
resources (there are no books and the chalkboard is the main teaching tool I
have) I am working in a system that is designed for students to fail. I do not want to insult the Ministry of
Education, but there is a huge disconnect between the people who write the
syllabus and those that write the mandatory national exams. The exams do not reflect what is on the
syllabus so if they only teach the syllabus then students will fail. If they teach to the test and don’t follow
the syllabus then teachers will get in trouble with school inspectors who want
to see lesson plans and schemes of work that match the syllabus. The exams are in English (with countless
grammatical errors) while most teachers use Kiswahili as the mode of
instruction. There is a huge shortage of teachers in this country and I have found
that most teachers are neither fluent in English nor proficient in the subjects
they teach. So I wonder if students
really have a chance at being successful.
I thought when I came here that maybe I could have a positive impact on
the teachers, but they do not stay at the school long enough for me to have any
real influence.
I have been
questioning my role here and the purpose of the Peace Corps in general. In my experience, Tanzanians seem complacent
and content with the way things are now.
I can’t make people change if they don’t want to. Many teachers don’t want to be teachers so it’s
hard to convince them to spend more time teaching/ preparing for class and less
time socializing. And in spite of the
fact that the national government decided to make the national exams in English
I can’t seem to make teachers understand the importance of using English in the
classroom. They are far more concerned
with my Kiswahili than their English. In
summary, I am not happy with my service and living in Tanzania. I spend my time
bouncing between indifference and misery.
After a year in country, my idealism has been replaced by reality. Now I am just hoping to have an impact on the
lives of some of my students and that has been the main thing keeping me here. July 16th 2013 is the earliest date
I can officially leave this place. The countdown has officially begun…
